Yearning

Yearning

Holding on to your loved one is an important stage in the difficult process of accepting that they have gone. In various ways we give ourselves time to gather the strength required to finally let go,

The yearning can leave you feeling exhausted. You may be angry or frustrated; you may become depressed. The effort of mourning is not easy and takes all the energy we can muster.

We review the events of the death and perhaps share a few memories. We recount the circumstances of the death and our memories of the person who has died. 

Above all, recognize that you are not crazy. If you find yourself searching, if you feel a sense of your loved one's presence, if you think for an instant you see them or that they have returned, these reactions are normal.

Every time you search and do not find, you take one more step closer to the inevitable  realization that your loved one has indeed gone and will not return.

The repetition of the events surrounding the death is healthy and a helpful part of the grieving process. But we are generally left alone to get on with our mourning.

In the weeks and months ahead you want to talk repeatedly about the same things. But others may not want to talk, and very few may be willing to listen.

As you constantly review those final days and moments, the people around you may become frustrated. However, each story told, each memory relived, each feeling expressed represents a thread in the relationship that must be unravelled one strand at a time.

Each thread, good or bad memory, has to be remembered and felt, sometimes more than once, before it can be cut. Repeating the same stories is a way for us to get a handle on the situation.

We try to understand what has happened, to make some sense of it, thus gaining a little more control in an uncontrollable situation.

In our grief, we often question "why". Why did my loved one have to die? Why does my life have to be one of suffering and sorrow? 

We feel anger because there are no answers to many questions. What has happened does not seem fair.

One way we express yearning is by identification.  We comfort ourselves by doing things and going to places that were favorites for our loved ones.

Most people don't like to talk about grief, or be reminded of their own losses by its manifestation in someone else. So they avoid the subject altogether.

Life is not always fair. Someone has said that "why" is not so much a question as a cry of pain. When we feel powerless, finding more questions than answers, our response my be one of anger.

After the death, sometimes we are irritable and short tempered with well-meaning people. Other times, however, we feel rage and resentment because we could do nothing to control or change the situation.

Sometimes anger is regarded as an unwelcome intruder in our lives. We are told we should not be angry, we should simply accept things. We may be encouraged to passively submit to the will of God.

Anger is often a protest against loss. Because of the loss, we feel helpless: we are not in control of the circumstances.

When we are powerless to do anything to change the finality of what has happened, we are angry. This explains why we become irritable with friends and family: they cannot give us what we want most, the return of our loved one.

The greatest problem with anger is that it tends to be transferred to the wrong people. We may feel angry at the doctors or medical staff who perhaps missed something, or whom we feel could have done more. We may feel anger toward the funeral director, the minister, children, relatives, and indeed anyone else who has the misfortune to run across our path.

Be careful. Recognize the real source of anger. You are angry because you have been left. You have every right to feel angry, but make sure you focus the anger in the right direction in order not to hurt yourself or others.

Anger is normal and needs to be expressed. But the word a caution is in order: healthy anger involves more than merely letting it out. Simply venting our anger and letting off steam can actually lead to a more deeply entrenched anger. Anger needs to be focused on helping gain a sense of personal control over the situation. Anger channeled into determination has the constructive purpose of helping us choose what we will do in the situation.