Dating and Relationships

Dating & Relationships

Few people dream of being alone all their lives, although there are some exceptions. For the rest of humanity, most humans want some form of human interaction, in the form of socializing, friendships and deeper connection,s but mostly, the human race, unlike Zirconians, seek LOVE…

But what is Love? L'Amour avec un grand A? (French quote about romance) Well… the response to such a philosophical question is far beyond the scope of the present short entry, and what we like to discuss today is just how most people go about romantic pursuits in modern times, or in the information era, replete with social media platforms and other novel forms of socialization…

Interestingly enough, the idea of romantic love is debated by some scholars. For instance, social psychologists point to the existence of courtly love during the Middle Ages as the predecessor of today's pretty much accepted concept of a mutual, intense, attachment, acceptance and affection between two human beings. According to this particular viewpoint, romantic love has largely been invented by the postcards and greeting cards industry, as well as jewellery manufacturers…

Along these lines, in the academic realm, scientists have been looking at affectionate displays from different perspectives. From neuroscientific accounts focusing on neural substrates (such as the amygdala for emotional memories, or oxytocin and vasopressin playing a role in bonding), social psychology studies show that men and women seem to look for diverse characteristics when choosing a life partner, while even the understanding of the feeling praised in countless songs, legends, movies and poems worldwide actually appears to be thought of differently in some cultures…

On a more practical note, where and how does one find someone to date (or to share one's life with!) and, most importantly, what does one do when the elusive other, the dreamlike alter ego, finally shows up? Individual opinions vary greatly on this matter! To illustrate, a huge proportion of people, believe that playing hard-to-get is the way to go. In other words, to secure the other's attention, one should present themselves as unavailable, ignore phone calls, emails and texts, take a long time to see the person, look busy all the time (even if simply pretending!), you get the drill… Alternatively, others deplore such mind games, and stress that relationships are mostly based on trust, mutual interests and communication, so manipulation, however mysterious and well intentioned, may have no place in romantic unions… What do you think? We do not give advice, we simply lay out the facts…

Two different Zirconians (elf-like Aliens) who, unlike customary on Zircon, are in love… Copyright © Megan Jorgensen.

Luckily, in today's day and age, numerous options exist to find that special someone. From dating sites such as PoF, eHarmony or Match, to social networking platforms not specifically intended for such use (some people find their perfect match on Facebook, Twitter or MySpace), to the old fashion way: through mutual friends or acquaintances, at social gatherings such as parties and other celebratory events, and by other means. However, obviously whether you meet your potential companion at Sunday mass at the community Church, or at the local bar is likely to impact the future of your relationship, if any.

Naturally, not everyone wants a relationship. Unlike in the past, when people could pretty much be burned at the stake for committing adultery, in modern times many alternative to marriage exist.

While one psychological theory includes three aspects in the definition of love (passion, commitment and intimacy), all three elements need not be present to meet one of the proposed definitions. Thus, the Twilight saga aside, hook-ups or friends with benefits, seem to be popular arrangements among some older teenagers. Likewise, polyamory, or dating several partners at the same time appears an attractive possibility to some teens, and of course, adults. Notwithstanding, monogamous marital bliss remains the goal for the majority of couples in most societies across the world.

On the political side, the question of equal love is a dividing social issue for many countries in the West. For instance, in the United States of America, voters may choose their candidate based on where said candidate stands on gay marriage. Nowadays, gay marriage is legal in many countries and homosexual unions are much more accepted than they were in the past. Also, at time of writing, the current Pope Francis has expressed the acceptance of the Catholic Church of homosexual orientation.

Down Syndrome and Mental Retardation

Down Syndrome & Mental Retardation

*The following account is not meant to cover ALL cases of children with special needs, but only one special case which I found to be quite contrary to what the health care system intends to accomplish with help and support programs.

Boy: I love you!

Girl: But you tried to kill me many times!

Boy: I love you!

Girl: But you destroyed my life and make me miserable!

Boy: I love you!

Girl: But nothing you do shows me love, and everything you do shows me hate!

Boy: Well, I got mental retardation and you have to forgive all my mistakes and accept my twisted, horribly dangerous and deleterious to you definition of love. Otherwise you're selfish and mean and I'll get my therapists to tell you the same thing! (and I'll also stalk you to death… and they'll help me, because I'm a child with special needs, which means I have all the privileges and none of the responsibilities, even though I stopped being a child many decades ago…)

The Diagnostic and Statistical manual (DSM, several versions) published by The American Psychiatric Association (APA) outlines disorders involving mental retardation. Mental retardation is usually defined as IQ (Intelligence Quotient) below 50 points.

In today's blog entry, I would like to address the treatment of children with special needs in our society. However, I am focusing on the reverse side of the medal, on the (probably few) cases, when the special needs child (now well in his 50s) starts to abuse the system…

Hope exists always. Illustration by Elena.

First of all, I have a degree in psychology and some (sparse) clinical experience. As most people who have at some point in their lives been unemployed know, looking for a job involves browsing through job offerings and finding the one that best fits your qualifications. For example, if I see an employer advertising a position for which a Master's degree in engineering is required, alongside 10 years of experience in aeronautics, I will pass on the job offering. I will not expect the interviewer to completely overlook my lack of qualifications based on the fact, that, say, he or she likes me and wants to be my friend…

But what does that have to do with today's article? Simple. Too many people have been (falsely!) misled by society to believe that they can achieve anything, if only they try hard enough, want it enough or are loved enough. But, it's simply not true. You cannot be an engineer with unfinished high school and no experience. A 60-year-old paraplegic cannot be the new star player of the National Hockey League, and a 80-year-old, heavily overweight, short woman cannot be America's next supermodel. Not because people are bad, but because life is hard/harsh and life is what it is: Not a fairytale.

Something I dislike about Canada versus the United States is the greater importance we seem to accord to people with difficulties. For instance, in America, elementary schools getting the best grades are allocated more funds than less achievement prone schools. The reverse is true for Canada. In the same way, I remember a particular story which left me perplexed the one time I was assigned as a psychotherapy counselor to a kindergarten facility.

At the facility, one child was diagnosed with Down Syndrome. He had severe mental retardation, and even the simplest everyday tasks were a real challenge to him. Of course, many people felt sorry for him and pitied him as a result, but the perverted effect was that he evolved into this self-entitled, mean, little brat who knew no boundaries. Sometimes, by trying to accommodate someone with a mental illness, we unwillingly teach them that any and all their behavior is ok, even if it hurts others, that they are somehow above making efforts, because they are 'special'…

I know many of you will hate me for telling the truth, but it gets worse. The child constantly picked on a little girl there. He stole her toys, pushed her to the ground, punched her in the face several times and was bullying her to such an extent that the little girl stopped attending preschool altogether, out of fear. Nobody did anything because he was a child with special needs and she was a healthy girl. But in the real world, once we get past governmental subsidies and additional funds and resources with those facing extra challenges, the healthy little girl is likely to be more productive and more likely to generate something of value for the economy, than the little boy who cannot even tie his shoes without the constant special help of two babysitters and one extra nanny (paid for by the government!). In my personal opinion, the situation was exacerbated by the fact that the little boy was Canadian, while the little girl while likewise Canadian, was of Hungarian origin. Funny how if anyone else did the dangerous, abusive (and illegal between adults!) things he did, they would be arrested and perhaps even imprisoned. But hey, he's got problems, so let's make her suffer, and focus on making it easier for him to feel good about the abusive, uncaught criminal he is growing up to be. So why did the fact that he had Down Syndrome and severe mental retardation suddenly obliterated the fact that she bled, that she was also human, that she was hungry (because he continuously stole her food)? Many people get very uncomfortable looking at things from this perspective, but the fact that he was a special needs child did not automatically mean that her life was worthless and that none of her needs mattered at all, but at least in that particular case, it seemed it did…

Mental Retardation. Photo by Elena.

Mister Pip

Mister Pip

By Lloyd Jones

What I am about to tell results, I think, from our ignorance of the outside world. My mum knew only what the last minister had told her in sermons and conversations. She knew her times tables and the names of some distant capitals. She has heard that man had been to the moon but was inclined not to believe such stories. She did not like boastfulness. She liked even less the thought that she might have been caught out, or made a fool of. She had never left Bougainville. On my eighth birthday I remember thinking to ask her how old she was. She quickly turned her face away from me, and for the fist time in my life I realized I had embarrassed her.

Her comeback was a question of her own. “How old do you think I am?”

When I was eleven, my father flew off on a mining plane. Before that, though, he was invited to sit in a classroom and watch films on pouring tea: the milk went in the cup first – though when you prepared your bowl of cornflakes the milk went in after. My mum says she and my father argued like roosters over that last one.

Sometimes when I saw her sad I knew she would be thinking back to that argument. She would look up from whatever she was doing to say, “Perhaps I should have shut up. I was too strong. What do you think, girl?” This was on of the few times she was seriously interested in my opinion and, like the question concerning her age, I always knew what to say to cheer her up.

My father was shown other films. He saw cars, trucks, planes. He saw motorways and became excited. But then there was a demonstration of a pedestrian crossing. You had to wait for a boy in a white coat to raise his sign with “stick up!”

My father got scratchy. There were too many roads with hard edges and these kids in white coats had the power to control traffic with their stop signs. Now they argued again. My mum said it was bi different here. You couldn't just walk where you liked. There was a clip over the ear if you strayed. “Cause, she said, it was as the Good Book says. You might know about heaven but it didn't mean you had entry as of right.

For a while we treasured a postcard my father sent from Townsville. His is what he had to say: Up to the moment the plane entered the clouds he looked down and saw where we lived for the very first time, From out sea the view is of a series of mountain peaks. From the air he was amazed to see our island book no bigger than a cow pat. But my mum didn't care about that stuff. All my mum wanted to know was if where he had gone to there were pay packets.

Affection. Illustration by Elena.

Panama

Panama

A novel by Eric Zencey

The embassy secretary was a dour-looking young man with oiled hair and a sharp chin. He watched Adams carefully and with obvious mistrust, as if by letting Adams wait for Hay he was being asked to play some sort of confidence game that he could lose if he wasn't attentive.

Adam sighed and surveyed the anteroom for distraction. Having finally grown uncomfortable with the damp solitude of a cab, and wanting to find a way out of the funk he felt descending on him, he had decided to find Hay. To feel at peace with him, to feel once again welcome in the bosom of friendship, would be a comfort. But Special Envoy Hay wasn't in; he was expected shortly, would Adam be pleased to wait?

Yes. And no. Adam was unambiguously pleased, though, to spy a copy of that morning's Le Temps on a chair across the room. He rose to retrieve it, forcing a smile at the secretary, gratified to find that the paper hadn't been read: he liked the crisp flatness of fresh of fresh newspapers, all their pages aligned. Clover had known this, and had always seen to it that he got the papers first.

He scanned the Panama story on the front page. Loubet was promising to bring the chécquards to justice, no new warrant had been issued, and the Chamber was selecting its investigating committee – the Socialists were agitating to have the matter taken up by the courts (a more thorough non-partisan investigation, the argued), and the Boulangists has abstained, saying no investigation run by the Chamber itself could possibly be legitimate. They had a point, Adam thought. The paper went on to note that there was no word on who, exactly, the chéquards were, and it opined that in the face of the ignorance the responsible citizen could only reserve jugement.

Adam had began reading correspondences' reports from the Crimea by the time Hay arrived. “I'll see Mr. Adam now”, he told the Secretary, motioning Adams to follow him. “I hope you don't mind,” Hay said when they were seated, a silver-handled, ebony-bladed letter opener in his hand. “I have to deal with this.” He pointed at the stack of afternoon mail on his desk. More of his officiousness, Adams thought, it will make it easier to hold me at arm's length. “Have you seen Lizzie today?” Hay spoke absently, without even looking up, as he sliced an envelope. Adams watched him glance at the letter, the set it and its envelope into the wooden tray on the left side of the desk.

Finally Hay looked at him. No, he hadn't seen her. “Not since last night.” He would keep the details of their talk to himself.

Hay nodded. “She and Cameron had a visit from the police. She's very upset by it. Apparently the police were rude. Abusive, she said. Perhaps she exaggerates, but still”.

“I'm sorry to hear that.”

He unfolded another page, glanced at it and set it in the tray.

Life at the top. Photograph by Elena.

Genes and Behaviour

Genes and Behaviour

The interrelation of genes and behavior is a very interesting topic of study for psychologists.

The field’s best-known discussion topic is the nature versus nurture debate (nature – genes; nurture – environment). Although both sides have numerous proponents, the scientific community seems to have mostly settled on an interaction effect, meaning both are important in determining an organism’s phenotype (genotype is the actual genes, and corresponding allelic variations, an organism has inherited; phenotype refers to those that actually get expressed).

Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes; an allele is passed down from each parent for a total of 46. An evident example of genetic determination is the 23rd pair, females have two X chromosomes, while males have an X and a Y. Interestingly, the sex of a baby is determined by the father; women can only pass on the X chromosome, while men can contribute either the X or the much smaller Y.

The fact portrays as highly illogical, of course not to mention sexist and unkind, the decision of certain kings in the past to remarry if their wife failed to produce a male heir. The difference in chromosomes leads to some sex linked disorders, such as colorblindness, that is found mostly in the male population. In a nutshell, there are recessive and dominant genes, in cases where both alleles are present, the dominant gets expressed. For example, an individual having an allele coding for blue, and another coding for brown, eye color, will have brown eyes. However, some alleles can also be codominant, where both alleles get expressed, such as in the case of blood types.

Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Illustration by Elena.

If a person possesses an A and a B allele, the result is the AB bloodtype. Genetics researchers have several tools at their disposal. Family studies are popular, isolating probands and establishing pedigrees. Monozygotic (MZ, identical) twins share 100% of their genetic material, and thus are popular in elucidating the respective contributions of genes versus environment; while dizygotic (DZ, fraternal) twins only genetically share only 50%, like any regular siblings. For instance, schizophrenia probandwise concordance (the likelihood that if one twin has a condition, the other twin will also have it) is 48% for MZ twins and only 17% for DZ twins (Gottesman, 1991).

Furthermore, there exists often-cited anecdotal evidence of two MZ twins who were separated at birth and raised by two diverse families (e.g. Gough & Bourdeaux, 2003). The two families clearly offered the children very unalike upbringings; they lived in different countries, harbored dissimilar religious and political views, and were of unequal socio- economic status (SES). Still, once the brothers were in their forties, they decided to meet. Surprisingly, they arrived at the airport similarly dressed and were puzzled to find out that they shared the same religion, political affiliation, and profession.

What’s more, they had both married and divorced a woman named Linda, whereas their second marriage was to a lady named Betty. They enjoyed the same hobbies and both had a dog. Whether this one case represents the influence of genes on behavior or pure coincidence is unclear, especially since the sample is too small to draw any significant conclusions. Yet, the story is compelling.

Other genetic studies center on wild type as opposed to genetically modified mice, and various molecular diagnostic assays.

Reference:

• Gottesman, I. I. (1991). Schizophrenia genesis: The origin of madness. New York, NY: W. H. Freeman & Company, 1991.
• Gough, W. C. & Bourdeaux, R. (2006). Journey into infinity. Foundation for Mind Being Research, May 8.

Peer pressure and social norms are powerful influences on behaviour, and they are classic excuses. (Andrew Lansley, a British politician). Image : Megan Jorgensen.