Etiquette Confusion

Etiquette Confusion

Taking off the White Gloves

Savoir-faire today means faring with newfangled families and devices.

It used to be that rules of etiquette were fairly cut and dry, and most folks followed them strictly. Married women took their husbands’ last name. Second marriages were rare – third marriages almost unheard of. Couples wouldn’t dream of living together before they were married. There were no cellular phones, internet, fax machines, beepers…

But women’s liberation, new technology, and the inevitable passing of time have revamped our lifestyles and created a new age of etiquette confusion. Now issues from hyphenated to call waiting test our good manners almost daily. For those who are just trying to keep up here’s a primer.

Women’s Names

Never married women: Miss is traditional title for an unmarried woman of any age, but today it is best used when addressing girls younger than 18. It is still used in addressing adult single woman on formal invitations, but it is no longer necessary even there, notes etiquette expert Leticia Baldrige in her book The New Manners for the 90’s. A more sophisticated (and professional) title for unmarried woman “Ms”.

Etiquette. Photo by Elena

Married women: Traditionally, a married woman’s name consists of her first name, maiden name, and husband’s last name. Some women prefer to keep their middle name and drop their maiden name. In either case, this women should be formally addressed by using Mrs. With her husband’s first name.

Correspondence to the couple should be addressed as either “Mr. and Mrs.” or “Mr. and Ms.” Followed by their first and last names. A married woman should not be addressed as Mrs. with her own first name. That combination is reserved for divorced women.

Less traditional – but increasingly popular – is a practice of a married woman keeping her maiden name.

Some married women prefer to use their maiden name at work and their husband’s last name at home. In that case the woman should be addressed as “Ms.” at work or Mrs. in social situations. Although potentially confusing, this set-up offers the best of each situation; a woman can keep her identity at work while sharing a last name with her husband and children in other settings. Business letters or invitations for the couple should follow the “work” rule, while social correspondence should be addressed traditionally.

If a woman choses to hyphenate her maiden name with her husband’s last name, her name should be first. When addressing correspondence to the couple, both names should be used.

Divorced women: A woman who divorces often returns to using her maiden name. But when she has children, it can be confusing for her to use a last name different from theirs. When your family members use different surnames, for whatever reason, make sure that those who need to know are informed. A child’s school should be told, as would your own office staff, for informational purposes only, advises etiquette expert Elisabeth L. Post in her book, Emily Post’s etiquette.

If a divorced woman has children and wants to keep their last name, she should use her first name – not her husband’s. This way she is easily identified as both a divorced woman and as the children’s parent.

Widows: Until she remarries, a woman keeps her husband’s name, and she is addressed the same way as a married woman. If she marries again, she can use her former husband’s last name or her maiden name as a middle name.