Going Through the Grief Process

Going Through the Grief Process

We feel frustrated when everyone seem to suggest answers - how to deal with the death of the loved ones. Actually, only we can know what is right for ourselves. Others may help us find our way, ultimately, however, it is our grief process and we must work it through in a manner appropriate for us.

The grief process is a time to heal. Be patient with yourself. Coming to terms with your loss and adjusting to a new life does not happen overnight. Grief usually takes more time than most of us expect.

The poet John Donne writes: "He who has no time to mourn has no time to mend."

Every experience of grief is unique. Some people take longer than others to work through their emotions. Some experience certain emotions, while other people experience different ones. Also, our particular emotions may differ in intensity. We are unique people and how we will experience the loss of a special relationship will be unique to us.

Do not let anyone squeeze you into a box. By that we mean, some people feel the grief process should be predictable. After one week, this... After two months, that... Some define grief in terms of stages and phases and want to try to fit you into their scheme of things. A few people expect you to experience grief in exactly the same way and at the same pace they did. 

Throw away any notion of "fixed periods of mourning" or "predictable passages., for these are largely fiction. Do not compare yourself to anyone else or allow anyone to compare you to another situation.

You must overcome your pain your way. Try to keep decisions to a minimum. Because your judgement is uncertain now, do not take on new or added responsibilities right away. Delay making decisions about moving or buying and selling property, or getting into another relationship, for as long as possible.

Do not rush yourself, for your body, mind and heart require all your energy just to mend.

Be patient with yourself. Just because someone else did it differently or recovered more quickly than you have is a meaningless comparison. You are a unique person. You had a unique relationship. And you are having a unique grieving process because of these factors.

Accept your feelings. In fact, you cannot choose your feelings. They choose you. Se feel what you are feeling. Don't suppress or deny your feelings.

Feel what you are feeling. Your emotions may be very raw. You have been wounded and you need to mend. Crying is healthy and can make you feel better. You will experience anger, panic, depression, and many of other responses. You may think you are falling to pieces at the very time people are telling you to get it together.

You are normal. You may be frightened that you are going crazy, but you are not losing your mind. Your are going through one of the most difficult and unpleasant experiences of life. It is painful and it hurts.

Do not be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Because we don't want to bother anyone else with our problems, much of our pain goes unheeded. But you need not suffer alone.

Admittedly, we shouldn't have to ask. But we live in the real world. Our friends, family and even professionals cannot read minds. Sometimes help is not offered because people do not know what we need. And often even we aren't sure what we need.

Maybe what we need most is someone to listen. Not everyone will be willing. Some people may not be able to handle your tears. Some will want to give you all the answers. rather than just listening.

Find someone who cares, someone with whom you feel comfortable talking, and to whom you can trust your vulnerability/ With these three attributes, you will undoubtedly have someone who can offer encouragement and help.