Guilt

Guilt

Guilt is a common feeling after a loss. Guilt and anger often walk hand in hand. We may express our feelings of guilt trough anger, but anger can sometimes make us feel more guilty about "not handling it". As well, guilt may occur when one assumes some responsibility for the loss.

What could I have done differently that might have resulted in another outcome? What I negligent in some way? Were there decisions that may have indirectly contributed to the death?

We may feel guilty because there is unfinished business: something that was never said, like "I love you" or "Goodbye". Oe perhaps we remember a misunderstanding that was never reconciled.

The guilt can be due to a sense of relief that, after a long lingering illness and a trying time for the family, the end has finally come. Our guilt may be an unconscious effort to punish ourselves for these feelings.

Sometimes the real reason we feel guilty is because we survived - I am still alive but my loved one is dead.

Remember that most of the guilt associated with grief is useless and counter-productive. 

Guilt expresses itself in "if only" phrases. If only we had gone to the doctor sooner. If only I hadn't allowed something to happen. If only we hadn't gone to that place. If only... well, you finish the sentence. Most of us have many "if only's" after a loss.

A situation has occurred that we are helpless to alter, much as we would like to. So we look back to the time when something might have been changed. Each "if only" suggests the disaster could have been diverted or at least postponed it something else had been done.

The reality is that probably very little could have been indifferent. Hindsight is always 20/20/ You did your best with the limited information you had at the time, even though, in the light of what has happened, you might act differently now.

Perhaps you regret some things you did or neglected to do. However. when we are willing to learn from them, we allow our failures, our mistakes and our neglect to become positive. 

If only I had known it was the last year of her life, I would have behaved differently. After she died, there is nothing I can do to change the past.

The real answer to guilt is forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary on many levels. It is important to realize, even in the light of our human failings and frailty, that there is always an opportunity to put things right and to begin again.

Life is full of second chances. On another level, we need also to accept the forgiveness of our loved one. After all, if you had died, would you want your loved one to go through life tormented by guilt an regret? Of course not, and so accept their desire for your happiness.

Most crucial of all: forgive yourself. Go easy on yourself. Focus on all the things you did do four your loved one. Make a list of all the good things, all the special times, all the gifts and surprises.

Eventually you will see you did everything you could, and maybe the rest is not very important.