Dating Strategy

Dating Strategy

Most people want companionship, and ultimately, to find the love of their life or at least the right person. Not everyone is content to settle with Mr. (or Mrs.) Right Now and are looking for Mr. (or Mrs.) Right. However, the endeavour can be a complicated one. Many people complain that dating is hard and end up disappointed with potential candidates and failed relationships.

On the scientific side, oxytocin and vasopressin have been linked to long term bond formation. Alternatively, social psychologists explain attraction in various terms. For example, facial symmetry and a clear complexion seem preferred in most cultures because they are indicators of mental and physical health. Darwin’s principle of genetic selection and survival of the fittest seem at work here.

However, the present short article is about dating strategy. Perhaps, men and women who have little luck in the dating pool could use some of the strategies presented here to augment their chances to find their true love. Of course, no strategy guarantees success, but only those who never try anything new never make mistakes…

A successful Dating Strategy as a result. Photo by Elena

First, love is not a competition, despite many people calling dating “the dating game”. Experts advise to leave the is she/he smarter/more successful/hotter than me question at home. A better approach is to enjoy the way you compliment each other. Notwithstanding, social psychologists argue that like attracts like, and aside from simple proximity, people tend to choose mates based on likeness, often selecting those who are similar in intelligence, education, attractiveness and so on. But of course, as with most topics in behavioural science, the rule contains exceptions.

Another great advice about dating is to make room for a relationship. A lot of people are great at work and accord a lot of importance to other priorities in their life, like family, friends and hobbies, but spend too little time on finding the right person. Moreover, when you finally found your desired match make him or her feel that they too are important in your life. After all, most people may sense that they are too low on your priority list and give up. Good luck!

A lady. Illustration by Elena

Dating Strategies

We would all like to believe in love and that just being ourselves is enough to find that special someone to spend forever after with. But is it realistic? How realistic is it to believe that not only will you like the other person, but the other person will like you back, and overlook all your flaws and shortcomings, and fall madly, deeply in love with you. However, this does not mean that happily forever after and true love do not exist, it simply means that perhaps some effort is needed to find what you are looking for. After all, most people put a lot of effort into their job or employment and their education, so why not put effort into personal relationships as well?

Some people find that love gives them wings. Image: Megan Jorgensen (Elena)

Not to sound sexist and start segregating and looking for gender differences, but for women, efforts are multiple and start with the never ending dieting and working out, but of course men work out too. Women put on make up, do their hair, visit beauty salons and spas and get manicures and pedicures. Obviously, men, especially metrosexual men, take care of their appearance as well, minus the make up part. Nonetheless, a small proportion of gay men also use make up, so it is better not to generalize. But the purpose of the present article is far from describing which part of the population uses cosmetics and why, the point being made here is that in the dating game, and dating is becoming more and more of a game, it pays to have a strategy.

A majestic eagle with strong, large wings. Image: Megan Jorgensen (Elena)

Thus, many people look down on those who play hard to get. Instead, they say that communication and trust are the most important parts of a relationship and that by playing hard to get one eliminates trust, openness and transparency. But by the number of girlfriends who have called in the middle of the night crying over a recent break-up or a guy who is simply not interested after not much more than a date or two, it seems warranted to play hard to get after all. So, how does one play hard to get? Find out the answer here.

Playing Hard to Get Other Dating Strategies

To pick up on an alternative entry reviewing dating sites, what do you actually do once you finally met someone? Psychologists may advise trust and open communication, but pick up artists have a whole other set of tricks. Clearly, you do not want to be a ruthless player and heartless pick up artist if your goal is eventually to form a meaningful, long-term relationship with another person who has become the object of your desire.

However, completely opening up and being too available from the beginning may seem an unwarranted strategy. You may come off as boring and as possessing other undesirable qualities your date or potential prospect will soon discover and perhaps look for a more skillfull in the dating game candidate. Because dating is a game, whether you want to acknowledge that or not, everybody plays some games in the beginning when first starting to date someone.

The dating game has its pitfalls and rewards. Image: Megan Jorgensen (Elena)

Indeed, appearing too available seems to be a turn off for many people. Some people get very upset when you tell them that, especially if they just missed out on a relationship. I say missed out because often then relationship could have worked if only the right moves were done by both parties, but not in every case, obviously. Sometimes it is just not meant to be and there are no foolproof strategies for those types of cases.

Still, good things do come to those who wait. As they say, there is someone out there for everyone. Regardless, it is important to keep things interesting, but also to find the person that is right for you. By right for you, I do mean the unpleasant reality of not out of your league. While it is good to keep a positive attitude and hopeful outlook, not everyone goes after persons who correspond to them by such and such traits. Interestingly enough, psychologists tend to agree that couples tend to be similar in traits such as attractiveness, education, social status and so on. Of course, there are exceptions but it seems important to keep the rule in mind in order to avoid disappointment.

Birds of a feather, flock together. Image: Megan Jorgensen (Elena)

But what about keeping things interesting? One must not only not make oneself too available, but also keep some mystery. Likewise, it is very important that the budding relationship is equal from the start. In the sense that, if the same person always does the inviting, or the chasing, then that fails to look good for the other party. As for playing hard to get, just make sure you always leave your potential partner (or partner) wanting more, do not let them get bored of you.

Brides. Photo by Elena

The Ten Biggest Makeup Mistakes

The Ten Biggest Makeup Mistakes

One of the most celebrated makeup artist explains where women err

Thanks to his work for leading fashion magazines, makeup artist Kevyn Aucoin has been described by Mirabella magazine as a key influence in shaping “the look of women in the Nineties.” In his best-selling book, The Art of Makeup, which he co-wrote with Tina Gaudoin, Aucoin reveals his techniques for making up such well-known beauties as Claudia Schiffer, Christy Turlington, Cindy Crawford, and Liza Minelli. Here’s what Aucoin says in his book are the 10 most commun mistakes women make when applying their makeup:

Timidity: Allowing fear of what other people will think affect the way one thinks about oneself, and therefore the way one presents oneself to others,” is a big mistake, says Aucoin. For too many women, he adds, “The big thing is to look good, but not too good. We need to break through this attitude and not be afraid.”

Not blending: “The art of makeup is blending,” Aucoin says. When colors aren’t merged properly, with one another, makeup can end up looking “like a paint-by-numbers painting.”

Misuses of Bright colors: “Bright colors can look great, but they draw attention to the features they’re applied to and run the risk of looking like they are just sitting on top of the face.” When that happens, Aucoin warns, other facial features may appear to be weak.

“A lot of women put bright shadow on for the sake of putting on makeup,” Aucoin says. “Neutral tones take longer to work with. Bright-colored lipsticks tend to float on the face.”

Live without a makeup mistake. Photo by Elena

Not adapting makeup to one’s age and style: “The same makeup cannot be worn at 60 as 16.” A woman can be beautiful at any age, Aucoin says, but a face does change over time. “The choices of colors, haircut, and the choice of makeup should change, too. The same clothes aren’t often worn 20 years later, and the same should be true of makeup.”

Incorrect Foundation choice: “Most people have predominantly yellow undertones in the skin, not pink as many people think. It’s safest, when choosing a foundation to err on the yellow or golden side, not the blue-pink side.” Aucoin says that the most effective approach is “to match the color of the neck, not that of the cheek, because the neck and jawline are ultimately the areas that foundation has to blend into.” If you don’t do this, you can get a “tide line” showing where the foundation ends ad the skin’s natural hue shows through.

“Women who have freckles might want to skip foundation,” recommends Aucoin, “since freckle-faced women might have a hard time finding the right foundation. Women with freckles tend to have good skin and small pores, so they can get away with it.”

Not waxing facial hair or tweezing the brow: “The idea that hair will grow back thicker is a myth. Tweezing or waxing regularly will eventually dissuade the hairs from growing so quickly.” If you don’t like waxing, Aucoin recommends trying facing hair bleach as a gentle and effective alternative.

Not curling your eyelashes: “Many people think this isn’t necessary.” But putting on mascara without also curling the lashes “actually closes up the eye, rather than opening it up, as intended,” Aucoin says.

Applying a powder eyeshadow or powder blush without makeup or just foundation: “The natural oils of the skin and the oil in the foundation will “grab” the color in blush or eyeshadow, thereby darkening it in places and creating a blotchy look.” Always apply face powder before putting on makeup such as eyeshadow and blush, Aucoin advises.

Choosing the wrong tones: “For people of color, using makeup with blue tones creates a very ashy look to the skin,” Aucoin says. “I recommend using golden-orange colors, which tend to brighten and warm up the face.”

Cigarette smoking: “Aside from the long-term damage to the body,” Aucoin says, “cigarette smoke also can constrict blood vessels, deprive the skin of oxygen, and dry the top layers the way the sun can.”

Note that celebrated makeup artist and author Kevyn Aucoin had his own cosmetics line, Inoui, which was marketed by Shiseido only in Japan. In an interview in Mirabella Magazine, he named some of the other makeup products he favored in his work:

• Jolen bleach to lighten eyebrows.
• Christian Dior’s Mascara Parfait in Black Onyx.
• Chalen’s Translucient Light Loose Powder.
• Kiehl Ultra Facial Moisturizer

Peeling Away the Marks of Age

Peeling Away the Marks of Age

Alpha-hydroxies help smooth aging skin, but they leave you red-faced

As aging baby boomers continue to battle against laugh lines and crow’s feet, sales of the latest product to off-set the effects of aging have grown to $300 million annually. Known as Alpha-hydroxy acids, or AHAs, the wrinkle-fighters are classified by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration as cosmetics rather than drugs. But the long-term safety of AHAs has yet to be established by medical testing.

AHAs work by stripping off the top layer of skin and causing cell turnover, which uncovers fresher-looking skin. The skin underneath retains water better, which helps to fill in lines and give the skin a more youthful appearance. The new skin also sheds dead cells faster for a cleaner look. AHAs also are reported to remove superficial wrinkles, acne, blemishes, and blackheads, and to soften some of the effects of sun damage on the face.

AHAs come in a variety of forms, including moisturizers, facial soaps, gels, toners astringents, and hand and body products. Some contain salicylic acid, which tightens skin but doesn’t slough off dead skin or surface blemishes. Fruit acids are widely used, but they don’t penetrate the skin as well as other formulae.

Dermatologists have generally used glycolic acids, which are derived from sugarcane, at 10 percent strength. They apply the formula to the face for a few minutes and the peel it off, taking blackheads, blemishes, and the surface of the skin with it. A neutralizing cream is then applied. The patient will have a reddish face for days until another layer of skin peels off.

Marks of Age. Photo by Elena.

Performed by a doctor, the process may cost hundreds of dollars, by a beauty salon, about 20% less, depending on how many treatments are required.

Adverse side effects often depend on the strength of the acid being used, as well as the sensitivity of the person’s skin. When cosmetic versions of AHAs were first marketed in the early 1990s, the acid concentrations were no more than 4 percent. Today, several cosmetic products such as MD Formulations, Decleor, Clinique’s Turnaround Creme boast concentrations of up to 10 percent. That is no higher than the strengths long applied in doctors’ offices, but a patient receiving a peel under medical supervision is much more likely to get prompt attention should there be an adverse skin reaction. At concentrations of 10 percent, even people who follow the directions for a cosmetic product carefully may find that their skin turns red and flaky and remains so for days.

Unless FDA finds something at fault with AHAs, or a better antiwrinkle treatment is found, the popularity of AHAs in not likely to fade. Legend has is, in fact, that Cleopatra was a believer in alpha-hydroxies, bathing in sour milk because of the benefits lactic acid had on her fabled skin.

Over-the-Counter Wrinkle Fighters

There are a host of skin creams containng alpha-hydroxy acids now on the market. Their acid concentration in usually no higher than 15 percent. Here are some popular brands and their acid strengths:

• Alpha Ceramide Time Complex System: Elizabeth Arden – acid concentration: 3% to 7é5% hydroxy acids.
• Alpha Hydrox Cream: Neoteric Cosmetics – 8% glycolic acid.
• Anew Intensive: Avon – 8% glycolic acid.
• Eucerin Moisturizing Lotion Plus: Beiersdorf, Inc. – 5% sodium lactate.
• Murad Skin Smoothing Cream: Murad – 12% glycolic acid.
• NeoStrate-15 AHA Face Cream: NeoStrata Company – 15% glycolic acid.
• Almay Time-Off Age Smoothing Eye Cream: Almay – 5% alpha-hydroxy acid.

Dates to celebrate

Dates to celebrate

The stories behind the days when you can skip school or work

Merchants like holidays because they provide a good shopping opportunity. Greeting-card makers want to invent special occasions when they don’t exist. The religious faithful take their Holy Days seriously. And those who need a break cheer at the prospect of a day free of the normal routines.

Federal Holidays – Holidays n which federal government offices nationwide, and schools, banks, and offices in Washington, D.C., are closed. In practice, most states also declare a legal holiday on these days.

Here is the holiday calendar:

Major American holidays:

New Year’s Day, January 1: Roman mythology says two-faced Janus, the god of beginning for whom our first month is named, looked back on the old year and ahead to the new. In the United States, we ring out the old year at midnight with champagne, kisses, and a few bars of that cryptic Scottish melody, Auld Lang Syne (The Good Old Days).

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Birthday, January 15, third Monday in January : The civil rights activist, minister, and advocate of nonviolent protest was born on January 15, 1929. A bill to make his birthday a federal holiday was first introduced in 1968, the year King was assassinated. Some states added it to their calender while waiting for Congress to approve it. Ronald Reagan signed the bill in 1983.

Groundhog Day, February 2: Rumor has it that if a groundhog comes out of his hole on this day and sees his shadow, winter will last for six more weeks. But if the sky is overcast and the groundhog is shadowless, mild weather is on its way. Pennsylvania’s Punxsutawney Phil is the country’s most famous rodent meteorologist. Since 1887, the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club has trekked up to Gobbler’s Know to watch successive generations of Phils offer their predictions.

Valentine’s Day, February 14: The origin of this romantic holiday is uncertain, though it may have been inspired by the martyrom of St. Valentine in A.D. 270. The first commercial Valentine’s Day cards in the United States hit the shops in the 1840s; in the early 1900s, when risqué cards were the rage, the Chicago postal service refused to deliver 25,000 valentines it deemed unfit to be mailed.

President’s Day, February 19, third Monday in February: Honors two of our most famous presidents, George Washington (born February 22, 1732) and Abraham Lincoln (born February 12, 1809), whose birthdays used to be celebrated separately. These celebrated figures stood out in the crowd even by today’s standards. Washington was 6 feet tall, and lanky Lincoln was 6 feet 4 inches.

St. Patrick’s Day, March 17: The patron saint of Ireland was born in England around A.D. 389, and immigrants who came to America from the Emerald Isle brought his holiday with them. So many of George Washington’s troops were Irish that the secret password during one Revolutionary War battle was “Saint Patrick”.

Vernal Equinox, March 20: Day and night are equally long on this first day of spring.

Sakura in flowers. Photo by Elena

April Fools’ Day, April 1: No one is sure when or why the first of April turned into a day for making friends look like fools, but the tradition dates back at least to the English, Scottish, and French practical jokers of the early 18th century. April fools are labeled “gowks” (cuckoos) in Scotland, and “gobs” or “noddies” in England; the French call April 1 pranks “poison d’avril”, or April fish.

Earth Day, April 22: “Reduce, reuse, recycle” has become a household mantra since 1970, when the Environmental Protection Agency first asked us to “Give Earth a chance.” Congress has passed laws that protect our natural resources, and curbside recycling programs are now common. But the EPA reports that the United States still produces more solid waste per person every day than any other nation – 4.4 pounds.

Mother’s Day, May 12, second Sunday in May: Julia Ward Howe, author of the Battle Hymn of the Republic, first floated the idea of a national holiday to honor mothers in 1872. But Philadelphian Anna Jarvis, whose own mother had wanted such a day to comfort families after the Civil War, launched the campaign that made it a reality. Woodrow Wilson officially established the holiday in 1914.

Memorial Day, May 27, last Monday in May: The government bowed in 1868 to the campaign of a Union veterans group that wanted to honor soldiers who died in the Civil War. The holiday has evolved since then into a tribute to all fallen soldiers and deceased loved ones.

Flag Day, June 14: The Second Continental Congress adopted the official flag design on June 14, 1777. Protocol dictates that the American flag may not touch the ground, nor may it be dipped to anyone or anything while being carried in a parade. The star spangled banner Francis Scott Key saw by the dawn’s early light was hit by 11 bullets as it flew above Baltimore’s Fort McHenry; it is preserved at the Smithsonian Institution.

Father’s Day, June 16, Third Sunday in June: The daughter of a Civil War veteran whose wife died giving birth to their sixth child persuaded her church in Spokane, Washington, to conduct a special service in honor of fathers. That was in 1910, and though the idea soon became popular around the nation, it wasn’t made an official holiday until 1966.

Summer Solstice, June 20: The first day of summer; the year’s longest.

Independence Day, July 4: With many fireworks and much fanfare, Fourth of July festivities commemorate the 1776 signing of the Declaration of Independence. Two of the signers were loyal to it even in death: On July 4, 1826, John Adams, the second president, died at age 90, at Thomas Jefferson, president number three, died at age 83.

Women’s equality Day, August 26: The 19th Amendment to the Constitution was passed on this day in 1920, giving women the right to vote. In Tennessee’s House of Representatives, the last vote needed to ratify the amendment was cast by 24-year-old Harry Burns, who, though his district opposed the measure, promised his mother he would vote for it to break a tie.

Labor Day, September 2, first Monday in September: During the Industrial Revolution, a bad time for laborers, union leader Peter McGuire drummed up support for a day that paid homage to America’s workers. He chose early September for its pleasant weather, and because no other legal holiday broke up the stretch between Independence Day and Thanksgiving. It’s always been thought of as the end of summer vacation, although many schools now resume in late August.

Autumnal Equinox, September 22: the first day of fall.

Columbus Day, October 14: Christopher Columbus, and his entourage first touched American soil on October 12, 1492, probably on Samana Cay in the Bahamas. At sea, Columbus kept an accurate private log of the miles traveled each day, but subtracted miles for the ship’s official log. He did so to avoid mutinies caused by sailors who didn’t want to be so far from home, and to make sure his directions to Asia, which turned out to be wildly inaccurate, wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands.

United Nations Day, October 24: When the United Nations was founded in 1945, it had 51 member countries. Now it has more than 200. Its six official languages are Arabic, Chinese, English, French, Russian, and Spanish.

Halloween, October 31: The attendant ghouls and goblins stem from the myths of the ancient Celts, who thought witches, ghosts, and the souls of the dead wandered about on the last night of their harvest season. The name comes from the Catholic Church, which in the ninth century declared the first of November All Saints’ Day and called the previous evening All Hallow Even. Candy-loving children benefit from the combination of influences, as does UNICEF, which has earned more than $100 million since 1950 from its Halloween fundraising campaign.

Veterans Day, November 11: Formerly called Armistice Day, it commemorated the end World War and honored those who had died fighting it. The holiday was renamed in 1954 and its scope widened to include all who have served in the U.S. Armed forces. For a short time in the 1970s, the date was changed to the fourth Monday in November to add another three-day weekend to the calendar. But many Americans thought making the observance moveable was disrespectful, and the date was changed back in 1978.

Thanksgiving Day, November 28, third Thursday in November: The first Thanksgiving feast was cooked up around 1621 when pilgrims and Native Americans sat down together to enjoy the fruits of harvest. Formerly scheduled for the last Thursday in November (which usually turns out to be the fourth), Thanksgiving was moved up in 1939 – Franklin D. Roosevelt wanted to help the economy by extending the Christmas shopping season.

Winter Solstice, December 21: First day of winter; shortest day of the year.

Kwanzaa, December 26 to January 1: The name means “first fruits” in Swahili, and the holiday is based on African harvest festivals. Brought to America in the mid-’60s by Maulana Karenga, a civil rights leader about their ancestors’ cultures, Kwanzaa celebrates the history and culture of African Americans

Emotions and Stress

Emotions

Emotional wellbeing, although not always as evident as physical or psychological welfare, is also important. The two main categories of emotions are positive and negative. Good feelings include love, happiness, serenity, while bad ones are anger, hate, and envy. While most people would agree on the categorization of the above, other emotions, such as pride, vary in connotation according to culture.

The neuroanatomical substrates of emotion have been widely documented in the literature. The amygdala is usually the brain region most closely associated with affective states. Studies of fear conditioning have often involved these nuclei.

Social psychology has also taken interest in the emotional lives of the population. For example, frustration leads to aggression. Frustration is brought on by repeated thwarting of one’s desires by outside obstacles. The reaction is counterproductive, since anger clouds one’s judgement. Passion and logic have historically been seen as contrary ends of a continuum. The tradition likely is the rationale behind Romulans, who were once Vulcans but embraced their passions (Star Trek alien races). But neuroscientifically, if the emotional part of the brain is lesioned, decision-making is strongly impaired despite intact cognitive neural correlates (Salovey, 2010).

Memory types : Semantic, Episodic, Procedural, Declarative, Implicit, Explicit, Working, Long term. Photo by Elena

Most emotions have an impact on thinking processes, which introduces the concept of self-control. In a variation on Intellectual Quotient (IQ), Emotional Quotient (EQ) has made its entrance into the mainstream in the 2000s. Decades earlier, the Stanford Marshmallow Study by psychologist Walter Mischel in 1972, was carried out at the reputable American university, demonstrating that the ability to distract oneself to successfully delay gratification in order to receive greater satisfaction later, was more predictive of an individual’s success in life than intellectual factors. Additional character traits often cited as required for self-actualization are willpower, and the aptitude to manage one’s own and other people’s emotional states.

Serious deficiencies in these capabilities result in poor impulse control. As any impulsive person knows, such unanalyzed behaviour can bare quite undesirable consequences. Empathy may also be lacking.

A few illustrations of how emotional intelligence is used: business (e.g. incorporated into knowledge management), medicine and therapy (rapport establishing), academia (long term stress has been found to harm the hippocampus, inhibiting learning and memory) and the personal sphere (ability to form and maintain satisfying friendships).

A beginning of the 20th century study showed a sample of subjects with extremely high scholastic and standardized IQ test scores who failed to produce the stellar results expected much later in life. The logical conclusion may be that something else besides raw intelligence must be at play. A better explanation is proposed by the theory of multiple intelligences of Howard Gardner: interpersonal, intrapersonal, bodily-kinesthetic, musical, spatial, naturalistic, logico-mathematical and linguistic intelligences. The same individual could be high on some and low on others of these types.

Schutte et al. (1998) examined a measure of emotional intelligence developed by Salovey & Mayer (1990). The model was found to be significantly associated with educational, social, academic, and everyday functioning and gender. Intelligence in the common sense, and one of the Big Five personality traits (openness to experience, but not conscientiousness, neuroticism, extraversion and agreeableness) were unrelated.

Stress

Stress is an important topic to psychologists and medical doctors alike. Stress impacts sleep, eating patterns, psychological well-being and so on… But what causes stress?

Common stressors include pressure, challenges, physical or psychological ailments, and relationship difficulties. Logically, a lot of worries come from the financial and job-related realms. Learning to deal with stress, anxiety and other mind states and emotions likely to impact your performance, is crucial. Interestingly, even positive change and success may cause stress, particularly in women (no sexism intended - it's just facts and it was only that one study!).

Ways to cope with stress include (paradoxically!) sleep, healthy eating habits, exercise (the release of endorphins contributes to reducing stress almost instantly), social support and other positive lifestyle attributes.

At an extreme, stressful situations can lead to trauma, such as in PTSD (or post-traumatic stress disorder). But luckily, those extremes are rare; while for everyday stressors, hey no one said it would be easy…

“I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” (Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray). Illustration: Megan Jorgensen.

References:

• Salovey, P. (2010). Emotional intelligence. Keynote Address IV.
• Salovey, P. & Mayer, J.D. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 9 (3): 185-211.
• Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., Hall, L. E., Haggerty, D. J., Cooper, J. T., Golden, C. J. & Dornheim, L. (1998). Development and validation of a measure of emotional intelligence. Personality and Individual Differences, 25: 167-177.