Guilt

Guilt

Guilt is a common feeling after a loss. Guilt and anger often walk hand in hand. We may express our feelings of guilt trough anger, but anger can sometimes make us feel more guilty about "not handling it". As well, guilt may occur when one assumes some responsibility for the loss.

What could I have done differently that might have resulted in another outcome? What I negligent in some way? Were there decisions that may have indirectly contributed to the death?

We may feel guilty because there is unfinished business: something that was never said, like "I love you" or "Goodbye". Oe perhaps we remember a misunderstanding that was never reconciled.

The guilt can be due to a sense of relief that, after a long lingering illness and a trying time for the family, the end has finally come. Our guilt may be an unconscious effort to punish ourselves for these feelings.

Sometimes the real reason we feel guilty is because we survived - I am still alive but my loved one is dead.

Remember that most of the guilt associated with grief is useless and counter-productive. 

Guilt expresses itself in "if only" phrases. If only we had gone to the doctor sooner. If only I hadn't allowed something to happen. If only we hadn't gone to that place. If only... well, you finish the sentence. Most of us have many "if only's" after a loss.

A situation has occurred that we are helpless to alter, much as we would like to. So we look back to the time when something might have been changed. Each "if only" suggests the disaster could have been diverted or at least postponed it something else had been done.

The reality is that probably very little could have been indifferent. Hindsight is always 20/20/ You did your best with the limited information you had at the time, even though, in the light of what has happened, you might act differently now.

Perhaps you regret some things you did or neglected to do. However. when we are willing to learn from them, we allow our failures, our mistakes and our neglect to become positive. 

If only I had known it was the last year of her life, I would have behaved differently. After she died, there is nothing I can do to change the past.

The real answer to guilt is forgiveness. Forgiveness is necessary on many levels. It is important to realize, even in the light of our human failings and frailty, that there is always an opportunity to put things right and to begin again.

Life is full of second chances. On another level, we need also to accept the forgiveness of our loved one. After all, if you had died, would you want your loved one to go through life tormented by guilt an regret? Of course not, and so accept their desire for your happiness.

Most crucial of all: forgive yourself. Go easy on yourself. Focus on all the things you did do four your loved one. Make a list of all the good things, all the special times, all the gifts and surprises.

Eventually you will see you did everything you could, and maybe the rest is not very important.

Ice by Rich Larson

Ice by Rich Larson (excerpt)

Most of the lads Sedgewick had met at last week’s game were waiting at the end of the exit tunnel, slouched under flickering florescents and passing a vape from hand to hand. He’d slotted their names and faces into a doc and memorized it. It wasn’t Sedgewick’s first run as the new boy and by now he knew hot to spot the prototypes.

You had your alpha-dog, who would make or break the entry depending on his mood more than anything. Your right-hand man, who usually the jealous type, and the left-hand man, who usually didn’t gave a shit. Your foot-soldiers, who weather-vaned according to the top three, ranging from gregarious to vaguely hostile. Then lastly your man out on the fringe, who would either glom on thick, hoping to get a friend that hadn’t figured out his position yet, or clam right up out of fear of getting replaced.

It was a bit harder to tell who was who with everyone modded and nobody speaking good Basic. They all came up off the wall when they caught sight of him, swooping in for the strange stutter-stop handshake that Sedgewick couldn’t quite time right. Petro, tall and languid, first because he was closest not because he cared. Oxo, black eyes already flicking away for approval. Brume, compact like a brick, angry-sounding laugh. Another Oxo, this one with a regrowth implant in his jaw, quite because of that or maybe because of something else.

Anton was the last, the one Sedgewick had pegged for alpha dog. He gripped his hand a beat longer and grinned with blocky white teeth that had never needed an orthosurgery.

Kingdom of Ice. Photo by Elena

“Ho, extro, how are you this morning?” He looked over Sedgewick’s shoulder and flashed his eyebrows. “Who?”

“Fletcher,” Sedgewick said. “The little brother. Going to feed him to a frost-whale.”

“Your brother.”

Fletcher stuffed his long hands into the pockets of his thermal and met Anton’s gaze. Sedgewick and his brother had the same muddy post-racial melanin and lamp-black hair, but from there they diverged. Sedgewick had always been slight-framed and small-boned, with any muscle slapped across his chest and arms fought for gram by gram in a gravity gym. His eyes were a bit sun and he hated his bowed nose.

Fletcher was already broad in the shoulders and slim-hipped, every bit of him carved sinew, and Sedgewick knew it wouldn’t be long before he was taller, too. His face was all angles now that the baby fat was gone: sharp cheekbones, netstar jawline. And his eyes were still reflecting in the hall-lit tunnel, throwing light like a cat’s.

Sedgewick could feel the tips of his ears heating up as Anton swung his stare from one brother to the other, nonverbalizing the big question, the always-there question, which was why are you freestyle if he’s modded.

“So how big are they?” Fletcher asked, with his grin coming back. “The frost-wales.”

“Big,” Anton said. “Ko gramme ko pujo.” He pointed over to Oxo-of-the-jaw-implant and snapped his fingers together for support.

“Big,” Oxo supplied in a mumble.

“Big”, Anton said.

Ice by Rich Larson.

Brest Cancer’s Facts of Life

Brest Cancer’s Facts of Life

Mammography remains a key to defending against the decease

Breast cancer is the most common form of cancer among American women. According to the American Cancer Society, 180,000 American women develop breast cancer each year, and 46,000 die of the disease annually. Although more women now die of lung cancer, one in every nine women in the United States will develop breast cancer over her lifetime. Doctors explain the risks, the precautions that should be followed, and the treatment options that are available:

What are the symptoms of breast cancer? – There are rarely symptoms of early breast cancer. The most common sign is a painless lump or thickening that does not go away or change with the menstrual cycle. The upper outer quadrant of the beast is the most common area to find a cancer. Some 80 percent or more of cancers begin in the milk ducts. Cancer that starts in the glands that produce milk is less common.

All lumps should be checked by a doctor. Other signs are swelling, puckering or dimpling in the skin, skin irritation, pain or tenderness in the nipple and discharge from the nipple, and lymph nodes under the armpits that are hard. Any pain or tenderness that persists throughout the menstrual cycle should be reported to a physician.

Who is at risk of developing breast cancer? – Every woman is at risk for breast cancer. About 75% of all breast cancers diagnosed each year are among women without any known risk factors.

But aren’t there certain factors that predispose a woman to breast cancer? – Yes. Risk factors to breast cancer include being older than 50; having a personal family history of breast cancer, especially on the maternal side; never giving birth; giving birth to the first child after age 30; being on birth control pills for 15 or 20 years; getting your first period at an early age; having late menopause. There is also some data that if you’ve endometrial cancer or ovarian cancer, you’re at a greater risk or getting breast cancer.

Goddess of the Galaxy. Photo be Elena

In spite of all this, unless you have a very strong family history of the disease – for example, your sisters, mother, aunt and grandmother, all have it – these factors just slightly increase your risk. If you have one of these risk factors, it doesn’t mean you are doomed, it just means you have to be more careful.

If a woman has one or more of these risk factors, what can she do to protect herself? – Be very fastidious about self-exams, have mammography when recommended, and see the doctor regularly. Women with one or more of risk factors should be especially alert to the warning signs of breast cancer and make sure to perform breast self-examination monthly. These women should also have breast exams by a health professional more often and start having exams at an earlier age.

What should women with no risk factors do? They should ask their doctor, nurse, or mammography technician to teach them the proper method of performing a monthly breast exam. Women over age 20 should examine their breasts once a month. The best time for a menstruating woman to do a breast self exam is right after her period when the breast swelling and tenderness is over. Women who are past menopause should perform breast exams at the same time of the month, every month, so that it’s not forgotten.

Although the recommendations about when regular mammograms should star are somewhat controversial and may change, at present the American Cancer Society, the American College of Radiology and the American College of Surgeons recommend that a woman get a baseline mammogram beginning at age 35 to 40. This mammogram will be compared to future mammograms.

Between the ages of 40 and 50 a woman should get a mammography every two years. After age 50 a woman should get a mammogram every year. See your doctor for regular breast exams at least every three years between the ages of 20 and 40 and every year over 40.

What good are mammograms? A mammogram is an X-ray picture of the breast. Mammography can find masses before they can be felt. In some cases, mammograms can find masses several years before the can be felt. There are two major studies that show that early detection significantly increases the chances of beating cancer.

Are mammograms safe? Modern mammography equipment will only expose women to a minimal amount of radiation. A trained radiologic technologist positions your breast between two plastic plates that compress it, spreading the breast out so that the X-ray can produce as precise an image as possible. If a mammography facility is accredited by the American College of Radiology, the mammography machines and the facility staff have met special quality standards and tests. To find out where to get a quality mammography, call your local American Cancer Society office.

How much does a mammography cost? A screening mammography costs vary, but they are usually covered by insurance.

What if the doctor finds breast cancer? There will be a number of diagnostic studied done on the tumor to find out how advanced it is, to find out what treatments are appropriate, and to make recommendations. The tumor itself is removed from the breast, and usually lymph nodes are taken from the armpit area. The physician needs to know the size of the tumor and whether it has spread to any of the lymph nodes. DNA analysis is done on the tumor to get a feeling for how aggressive the tumor seems to be, and “receptor status” is analyzed to see if the tumor would respond to hormonal therapy.

What are the treatment options? – There are two lines of decision. One is to ask whether this patient is at risk for the tumor to spread outside the breast to the rest of the body, and whether systematic therapy is therefore appropriate. This can be done through chemotherapy and/or hormonal therapy. Chemotherapy is used more often with premenopausal women, and hormonal therapy is more often used with postmenopausal women.

The second approach is to treat the breast locally. If the doctor simply removes the cancerous lump from the breast and does nothing else locally, there is at least a 40 percent chance that the tumor will regrow within the breast. The two treatment options are either mastectomy, which is removing breast with radiation. In seven randomized studies worldwide, both mastectomy and lumpectomy with radiation have equal results. The decision whether t undergo a mastectomy or or preserve the breast should be made jointly with a surgeon and a radiation oncologist.

What are the chances of beating the disease through treatment? According to the American Cancer Society the 5-year survival rate is 92 percent if the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes. After 10 years the survival rate for someone who had breast cancer that didn’t spread to the lymph nodes is more like 80 percent. If the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, the chance of survival in 6 years is 70 percent. After 10 year it’s 50 to 60 percent. Early detection leaves you with the most options and the best chance of survival.

Performing a breast self-examination

1. Once a month, after your period, examine your breasts. Get to know their shape and texture, and be alert to changes. Raise each arm above your head and turn from side to side, looking for changes in appearance.
2. Squeeze the nipple to check for discharge. Check surface for peculiarities. Orange-peel texture could indicate a lump.
3. Lie on your back with your arm by your side. Using the fist of your hand, work around the outer parts of the breast in a clockwise direction.
4. Raise arm over head. Check inner parts of the breast, along collarbone and into armpit. Stretching the skin makes detection easier

The South Sea Bubble

The South Sea Bubble

Suppose your broker has called you and recommended that you invest in a new company with no sales or earnings – just great prospects. “What business?”, you ask. “I’s sorry,” your broker explains, “no one must know what the business is, but I can promise you enormous riches”. A con game, you say. Right you are, but 300 years ago in England this was one of the hottest new issues of the period. And, just as you guessed, investors got very badly burned. The story illustrates how fraud can make greedy people even more eager to part with their money.

At the time of the South Sea Bubble, the British were ripe for throwing away money. A long period of English prosperity had resulted in fat savings and thin investment outlets. In those days, owing stock was considered something of a privilege. As late as in 1683, for example, only 499 souls benefited from ownership of East India stock. They reaped rewards in several ways, not least of which was that their dividends were untaxed. Also, their number included women, for stock represented one of the few forms or property that females could possess in their own right. The South Sea Company, which obligingly filled the need for investment vehicles, had been formed in 1711 to restore faith in the government’s ability to meet its obligations. The company took on a government IOU of almost 10 million pounds. As a reward, it was given a monopoly over all trade to the South Seas. The public believed there were immense riches in such trade, and regarded the stock with distinct favor.

From the very beginning, the South Sea Company reaped profits at the expense of others. Holders of the government securities to be assumed by the company simply exchanged their securities for those of the South Sea Company. Those with prior knowledge of the plan quietly bought up government securities selling as low as 55 pounds and then turned them in at par for 100 pounds worth of South Sea stock when the company was incorporated. Not a single director of the company had the slightest experience in South American trade. This did not stop them from quickly outfitting African slave ships (the sale of slaves being one of the most lucrative features of South American trade). But even this venture did not prove profitable, because the mortality rate on the ships was so high.

The directors were, however, wise in the art of public appearance. An impressive house in London was rented, and the boardroom was furnished with thirty black Spanish upholstered chairs whose beech-wood frames and gilt nails made them handsome to look at but uncomfortable to sit in. In the meantime, a shipload of company wool that was desperately needed in Vera Cruz was sent instead to Cartagena, where it rotted on the wharf from lack of buyers. Still, the stock of the company held its own and even rose modestly over the next few years despite the dilutive effect of “bonus” stock dividends and a war with Spain which led to a temporary collapse in trading opportunities.

Across the channel, another stock company was formed by an exiled Englishman named John Law. Law’s great goal in life was to replace metal as money and create more liquidity through a national paper currency backed by the state and controlled through a network of local agencies. To further his purpose, Law acquired a derelict concern called Mississippi Company and proceeded to build a conglomerate that became one of the largest capital enterprises ever to exist, even to this day.

The Mississippi Company attracted speculators and their money from throughout Europe. The word millionaire was invented at that time, and no wonder: The price of Mississippi stock rose from 100 to 2, 000 in just two years, even though there was no logical reason for the increase. At one time the inflated total market value of the stock of the Mississippi Company in France was more than eight times that of all the gold and silver in the country.

Meanwhile, back on the English side of the Channel, a bit of jingoism now began to appear in some of the great English houses. Why should all the money be going to the French Mississippi Company? What did England do to counter that? The answer was the South Sea Company, whose prospects were beginning to look a bit better, especially with the December 1719 news that there would be peace with Spain and hence the way to the South American trade would at last be clear. Mexicans supposedly were waiting for the opportunity to empty their gold mines in return for England’s abundant supply of cotton and woolen goods. This was free enterprise at its finest.

Prevision. Illustration by Elena

In 1720, the directors, an avaricious lot, decided to capitalize on their reputation by offering to fund the entire national debt amounting to 31 million pounds. This was boldness indeed, and the public loved it. When a bill to that effect was introduced in Parliament, the stock promptly rose from 120 pounds to 300 pounds.

Various friends and backers who had shown interest in getting the bill passed received as their reward an option with a twist: The individual was granted a certain amount of stock without having to pay for it; it was simply “sold” back to the company when the price went up, and the individual only collected the profit. Among those rewarded were George 1st mistress and her “nieces”, all of whom bore a startling resemblance to the king.

On April 12, 1720, five days after the bill became law, the South Sea Company sold a new issue of stock at 300 pounds. The issue could be bought on the installment plan – 60 pounds down and the rest in eight easy payments. Even the king could not resist: he subscribed for stock totalling 100, 000 pounds. Fights broke out among other investors surging to buy. The price had to go up – and the eager buyers were right. It advanced to 340 within a few days. To ease the public appetite, the South Sea directors announced another new issue – this one at 400 pounds. But the public was ravenous. Within a month the stock was 550, and it was still rising. On June 15 yet another issue was put forth, and this time the payment plan was even easier – 10% down and not another payment for a year. The stock hit 800. Half the House of Lords and more than half the House of Commons signed on. Eventually, the price rose to more than 1000. The speculative craze was in full bloom.

Not even the South Sea Company was capable of handling the demands of all the fools who wanted to be parted from their money. Investors looked for other new ventures, where they could get in on the ground floor. Just as speculators today search for the next Google or the next X-Bray, so in England in the early 1700s they looked for the next South Sea Company. Promoters obliged by organizing and bringing to the market a flood of new issues to meet the insatiable craving for investment.

As days passed, new financing proposals ranged from ingenious to absurd – from importing a large number of jack-asses from Spain (even though there was an abundant supply in England) to making salt water fresh. Increasingly the promotions involved some element of fraud, such as making boards out of sawdust. There were nearly one hundred different projects, each more extravagant and deceptive than the other, but each offering the hope of immense gain. They soon received the name of “bubbles,” as appropriate a name as could be devised. Like bubbles, they popped quickly – usually within a week or so.

The public, it seemed, would buy anything. New companies seeking financing during this period were organized for such purposes as: the building of ships against pirates; encouraging the breeding of horses in England (there were two issues for this purpose); trading in human hair; building of hospitals for bastard children; extracting of silver from lead; and even for a wheel of perpetual motion.

The prize, however, must surely go to the unknown soul who started “A Company for carrying on an undertaking of great advantage, but nobody to know what it is”. The prospectus promised unheard-of rewards. At nine o’clock in the morning, when the subscription books opened, crowds of people from all walks of life practically beat down the door in an effort to subscribe. Within five hours a thousand investors handed over their money for shares in the company. Not being greedy himself, the promoter promptly closed up shop and set off for the Continent. He was never heard from again.

Not all investors in the bubble companies believed in the feasibility of the schemes to which they subscribed. People were “two sensible” for that. They did believe, however, in the “greater-fool” theory – that prices would rise, that buyers would be found, and that they would make money. Thus, most investors considered their actions the height of rationality as, at least for a while, they could sell their shares at a premium in the “after market”, that is, the trading market in the shares after their initial issue.

Whom the gods would destroy, the first ridicule. Signs that the end was near were demonstrated with the issuance of a pack of South Sea playing cards. Each card contained a caricature of a bubble company, with an appropriate verse inscribed underneath. One of these, the Puckle Machine Company, was supposed to produce machines discharging both round and square cannonballs and bullets. Puckle modestly claimed that his machine would make a total revolution in the art of war.

The eight of spades described it as follows:

A rare invention to destroy the crowd.

Of fools at home instead of fools abroad.

Fear not, my friends, this terrible machine.

They’re only wounded who have shares therein.

Many individual bubbles had been pricked without dampening the speculative enthusiasm, but the deluge came in August with an irreparable puncture to the South Sea Company. This was self-administrated by its directors and officers. Realizing that the prices of the shares in the market bore no relationship to the real prospects of the company, they sold out in the summer.

The news leaked and the stock fell. Soon the price of the shares collapsed and panic reigned. Government officials tried in vain to restore confidence, and a complete collapse of the public credit was barely averted.  Similarly, the price of Mississippi Company shares fell to a pittance as the public realized that an excess of paper currency creates no real wealth, only inflation. Big losers in the South Bubble included Isaac Newton who exclaimed, “I can calculate the motions of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people”. So much for castles in the air.

To protect the public from further abuses, Parliament passed the Bubble Act, which forbade the issuing of stock certificates by companies. For over a century, until the act was repealed in 1825, there were relatively few share certificates in the British market.

Source: Burton G. Malkiel. A Random Walk Down Wall Street, including a life-cycle guide to personal investing. First edition, 1973, by W.W. Norton and company, Inc

Cannabis Use or Marijuana Use

Cannabis Use or Marijuana Use

Cannabis use, also known as marijuana smoking, has seen a rise in popularity in recent decades. Indeed, once a serious criminal offence, cannabis use has been decriminalized in many states. Also, in Amsterdam, the capital of the Netherlands, world famous coffee shops have been offering all sorts of marijuana joints in a completely legal and fairly safe manner. But is cannabis or marijuana use safe? The question has often been answered in the affirmative, but deserves a second look.

For example, while smoking marijuana may be far less addictive and destructive than injecting heroin, cannabis use still comes with its pitfalls and dangers, perhaps one of the worst ones being cannabis-induced psychosis or substance-induced psychosis. In fact, many studies have shown that prolonged use of the substance, particularly starting in the teenage years, can lead to the development of psychotic features and some scholars even argue that such psychosis may progress further into full blown schizophrenia.

Prolonged marijuana use or cannabis use may lead to psychosis. Image: Megan Jorgensen (Elena)

Naturally, recreational marijuana use is not the same as medicinal marijuana use. Further, people with several conditions have been legally prescribed marijuana to alleviate their symptoms, such as glaucoma or chronic back pain. Still, marijuana is an addictive substance and while less addictive physically than cocaine, heroin or even nicotine, it is very addictive psychologically. What happens with habitual users is that they start to rely on hemp for all their leisure activities. When non-users rely on hobbies and other pleasurable activities to keep them entertained, people who habitually get intoxicated by the herb gradually lose all other interests and feel quite bored without the substance.

Another point often overlooked in modern day cannabis use is how chemical it has become. When the drug first became popular, in the 1960s, it was fairly natural and unaltered, even though it still produced psychedelic effects. In contrast, today many chemicals are added to the natural ingredient and the drug has become many times more potent than it once was. Thus, marijuana or cannabis use today is much more dangerous than is usually believed.