Elena's Legacy. Texts written by Elena, excerpts from texts she liked, her artworks.: December 2019

Thursday, December 26, 2019

Lindsay – Chapter I

She sat calmly on the bench, contemplating the wonders of nature. The day was beautiful, it was mid-July, warm and sunny. Lindsay loved and appreciated the summer, as do many people, especially Northerners. She had lived in Canada for over 10 years, but was still unaccustomed to the cold winters, even though she came from a country that had cold winters too. She was born in London, United Kingdom.

Playing on her iPhone, she was almost addicted to downloading apps to her smartphone, she noticed a message from Martin. All the text message said was “Hi”. She liked Martin quite a bit, but those kind of messages irritated her immensely. The way she saw it was “either you write something substantial, or nothing at all”. However, there is nothing inherently wrong about writing “hi”, it’s just like saying “hi” before starting a conversation, but Lindsay differed from her peers in many ways.

Lindsay's blue and red flowers. Photo by Elena.

Physically she was your typical college student. Natural light brown hair, average height and weight, and deep blue eyes covered by glasses. She had contacts, but wore her glasses as a sign of achievement because it reminded her of all the books she read and all the hours she spent in front of a computer. She had two computers and three laptops, a good mix of Macs and PCs. Only one computer and her MacBook Pro still worked, but she held on to the rest, they had sentimental value and she was a bit of a hoarder.

But to get back to Martin’s message, she chose to simply ignore it. First, she knew he was going to attempt to communicate with her again, and second he was not the guy she anxiously waited to write to her, that gentleman’s name was Patrick. She had plenty of guy friends, but was not so secretly in love with Patrick. He knew, but he just didn’t care, as he was in love with Simone, an exchange student from France.

Lindsay in her dreams. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay – Chapter II

Lindsay felt lonely. The kind of loneliness the heartbroken feel. The kind of loneliness a person feels even when surrounded by friends and family but still lovesick, and missing the object of their desire and affection. Many believe that only pets can give unconditional love and affection, yet many believe in true love. True love is very hard to find because in the game of life, very often love goes unrequited. Lindsay didn’t want to believe that, despite all evidence to the contrary. She saw a movie once, and the protagonist said “you always love the person who loves you”. Nonetheless, in the real world, things are often quite contrary and people reject those who love them and seek the unattainable.

Lindsay's flower. Photo by Elena

Psychologically speaking, social psychologists point to the fact that even though the saying goes “falling in love”, we always get attached to someone of higher social status; and, that person is also attracted to someone perceived in some way superior to them. Thus, the dating game is nearly impossible to win. But what about marriages? The answer is simple when you look at divorce rates, without overlooking the fact that many couples stay together because they share assets, a business or a house… People also often choose to stay together because of the children, to whom parental divorce may be quite difficult.

Lindsay knew all this, but regardless could not forget Patrick. She texted him now and then, but rarely got a response at all, and if she did it was a cold and dry answer. The kind of answer someone annoying gets. Still, Lindsay pursued the object of her desire, despite understanding that her feelings went unrequited. As mentioned in the first chapter, Lindsay was very different from her peers. She was a loner, quiet and mostly kept to herself. She never went to parties and her best friend was her dog. Her parents worried about her lack of social life, but she had been like that since she was a toddler and they felt that there was nothing they could do.

A cosmic elf. Illustration by Elena

A pen. Photo by Elena

Lindsay - Chapter III

Lindsay – Chapter III

In order to not confuse the reader, Lindsay had guy friends, but they were mostly guys who wanted more than friendship, like Martin. Lindsay didn’t trust any of them because she considered their friendship fake. False pretense friendship or fair-weather acquaintances at best. Sometimes she fantasized about meeting someone new and give up her fruitless pursuit of Patrick, but it’s not like she could attend a social function with a guy friend and meet a new guy that way. She was too well-mannered for that. Or maybe just too shy.

She had spent most of her Saturday at the park readings books and journal articles, and now was approaching home. She lived in a small apartment near the train tracks, but she was unemployed for a while so even though the rent was cheap compared to the city’s average, she still struggled. When she arrived, Martin was waiting for her on the doorstep of the building; it was not the first time he did that but she did not considered him a stalker. She liked the attention and she liked him, she also never directly asked him to stop communicating with her. She thought of Martin as the perfect gentleman who would easily respect her wishes had she expressed the want to be left alone.

Lindsay's violet flower. Photo by Elena

Martin – You never replied to my message?

Lindsay – I wanted to, but then I changed my mind.

Martin – May I come in?

Lindsay – Yes, of course.

He was obviously and openly glad that she let him in. In fact, he was a bit worried that she may take it the wrong way and get mad at him. He did not want to be perceived as a stalker, especially to Lindsay. She was very important to him, he treasured their friendship, even though he wanted much more than just being friends, he wanted to be her boyfriend. She knew that, but her heart belonged to another, another who wanted none of it.

Lindsay as a Lady. Photo by Elena

Lindsay's witches. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay - Chapter IV

Lindsay – Chapter IV

She invited Martin in and discovered he brought some good wine. He always had a gift for her. If only she liked him in a romantic way, they could form a magnificent and happy couple. But she didn’t. Martin was an engineer at the beginning of his career, while Patrick was a successful businessman. Sometimes, Lindsay wondered if her feelings were directed by some manipulative calculation. She seemed to always fall for successful men, and that made her doubt her own sincerity. But again, social psychology predicts this kind of mentality. On the one hand, she dreamt of a special bond but also of a trouble-free life with Patrick; on the other hand, Patrick saw her as a simple flick evolving into an annoying nuisance.

But tonight was no night to think about heartbreak and dating strategy, it was Saturday night and Lindsay and Martin were both in the mood to celebrate. So, they opened the bottle of wine and started celebrating. Both talked a lot and learned a lot about each other. They went over their childhoods and teenage years and had a good laugh.

Lindsay's yellow flower. Photo by Elena

Although as the night progressed, the true agenda of Martin became clearer. He tried to kiss her and not only did she move away, it spoiled the mood. She blamed him for ruining the atmosphere. She also blamed herself for being so naive. Once again, she just wanted a friend to talk to and ended up in the awkward situation of fighting off someone’s unwanted advances.

He apologized and left, more sad than angry. She was definitely not as much into him as he was into her. She felt depressed. She started thinking about her life. Her apartment was very small, she was unemployed and the man she deemed the love of her life did not even like her as a friend.

In the mood to celebrate. Photo by Elena

Lindsay's music. Photo by Elena

Lindsay - Chapter V

Lindsay – Chapter V

Lindsay sat on her couch and turned on the TV. They had watched a couple of movies, but she far preferred TV shows. She felt bored and all of a sudden started to cry. She was beginning to realize that her life was not at all what she hoped for herself when she was a little girl. As a child she wanted to become an actress and also an astrophysicist. Two very different fields, indeed. Nevertheless, she studied Art History in university, which has not done much for her career. She had held multiple jobs after graduation, but they were all clerical, administrative support or customer service related. Years after graduation she had less than two months of experience in her own field. And now she had been unemployed for such a long time that she was starting to give up.

She sent her resumes to several places, but to no avail. Sometimes she got call-backs, but the only interviews she actually got were with staffing agencies or with one company that wanted her to do a whole day of job shadowing as an interview. She was open to the idea, but it was in outbound calls and that was something she didn’t want to do.

Lindsay's sakura flowers. Photo by Elena

Mostly because she was very shy. She always felt like she was bothering the people she called, and she was surprised that applying for a position of Administrative Assistant she was redirected to a cold-calling assignment. In addition, some people at a centre where she volunteered advised her that it was most likely a company that simply wanted free labour. Again, she was not so much bothered with that (she was after all a volunteer), but the outbound calls were not something she was comfortable with.

Drinking what was left of the wine, she became more and more depressed. She feared she was going crazy. She was also very sad because an apartment that she used to live in burned down. She remained uninjured but all her belongings, as well as precious memories, vanished in the fire. The feeling that there was nothing that she could do about that weighed heavily on her.

The feelings. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay's cat. Photo by Elena

Lindsay – Chapter VI

Saturday, Lindsay cried herself to sleep on the couch. The next morning, Sunday, was equally depressing: it was raining and cold, despite being a summer day. She had been diagnosed with depression months earlier, but she refused to take antidepressant medication. She did not believe it could help her and she was afraid of the side effects.

The doctor explained that the side effects were outweighed by the help of the antidepressants, but he was in no position to force her to take them. Not that he would if he could. Usually, the laws governing mental health mean that as long as a person is competent and not a danger to themselves or others they can make their own decisions.

Lindsay was competent and certainly not a danger to others. However, she had dark thoughts. She contemplated suicide, she just chose to hide it from her doctor. She had multiple suicide attempts, but no serious ones. One thing was clear, she was suffering. The rain kept falling adding to her misery. She clung to life, and at the same time wondered if her life was worth living.

Lindsay Peony flower. Photo by Elena

Her doctor had said to her that part of her wanted to get better, that’s why she sought help. But there was a part of her that had given up. She often told to herself: “Don’t ever give up on yourself!” But she failed to take her own advice.

To make herself feel better, she poured a large cup of coffee. Since her last apartment had burned down and she had no insurance, she had little more than a couch, a small bed, a coffee maker and few clothes. One of her problems was that she could not go to interviews appropriately dressed. She had suits before, but they were gone and she could not afford to get new ones.

See also:

Lindsay in her dreams. Photo by Elena

Lindsay's Toys. Photo by Elena

Lindsay - Chapter VII

Lindsay – Chapter VII

Depression is difficult for everyone who suffers from it. Called MDD or Major Depressive Disorder in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) published by the APA (American Psychiatric Association), it is a debilitating mental illness. People often think that depression is simply feeling blue, but it’s so much more than that. First, the symptoms have to persist for more than 2 weeks for MDD to be diagnosed. Symptoms include but are not limited to: feeling useless, sad, unmotivated and uninterested in activities one used to enjoy. Lindsay felt like that for years, years since her apartment burned down with all that was inside.

She was also very unlucky in love. She has had very few boyfriends, and most of them treated her badly. Then, when she met Patrick she got played. They say that every woman who has twenty suitors, always chooses someone who could not care less about her. And that’s where playing hard-to-get comes in, although that was not Lindsay’s forte.

Lindsay's Orange flower. Photo by Elena

Perhaps if she had girlfriends to advise her she would have an easier time with men. But she didn’t. She knew the basics of not making herself too available, but she never used that knowledge. She believed in sincere, honest and open relationships. Trust was what mattered most to her, and she couldn’t reconcile in her mind building trust and pretending being busy, aloof or unavailable.

Thus, her romantic failures only aggravated her depression, as did her lack of true friends. She felt bored most of the time, which is understandable given that no one (or almost no one) was there to cheer her up. In her despair, she contacted Patrick again, a serious mistake by all means, since the more she pursued him, the more he despised her.

Martin did not text or call on the next day, she didn’t like him enough to miss him, but she was somewhat distressed that he was just interested in her as a romantic partner and nothing else. But perhaps she was catastrophizing, a feature of depression.

See also:

Lindsay - Chapter VIII
Lindsay - Table of Contents

Cosmic Grace. Photo by Elena

Lindsay's Dark Thoughts. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay - Chapter VIII

Lindsay – Chapter VIII

Lindsay started crying again. She was quite unstable lately. She wondered if she should listen to her doctor and take antidepressants. But then she remembered that all medication had side effects. She also knew that some medication reducing anxiety was addictive. She was afraid of that too. In her younger years she took a lot of drugs.

When she was 17-20 years old she experimented with various substances, including ecstasy, pure MDMA, speed (amphetamine) cocaine, crack and cannabis. She was not proud of her past. She felt guilty and stupid to damage her brain like that. She blamed those years for the way she felt today. She blamed her joblessness on burned brain cells during her late teens and early youth. If only she knew and understood back then what she realized now.

Today, she was reluctant to even take pills when she had a headache. She did not drink coffee. She felt that if she drunk coffee everyday, the day she could not drink a cup of coffee she would have a monster headache. Caffeine did that to her. She still drank alcohol though. That night with Martin she had really enjoyed the wine, but she felt guilty because of it; it was cheating on her diet.

Lindsay's violet flower. Photo by Elena

In addition to depression she had a comorbid eating disorder, namely anorexia nervosa. She didn’t eat much, was usually avoiding alcohol and compulsively counted calories. Her diet contained mostly lean protein and vegetables, she didn’t even eat fruit or drink juice.

She was of average weight when she started obsessively dieting, but she wanted to be thin like models: with the thigh gap, hip bones and a completely flat stomach. As per experts on the subject, losing weight was simple albeit not easy: you just have to consume less calories than you spend. But that was much easier said than done.

See also:

Lindsay's romantic presentation. Photo by Elena

Lindsay's feat. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay - Chapter IX

Lindsay – Chapter IX

Lindsay was feeling more and more depressed, so she turned to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). The academic literature praises the therapy and shows that in conjunction with antidepressant medication, CBT is more effective at fighting depression than medication alone. CBT rests on the premise that our thoughts influence our emotions. Thus, the same negative event may trigger different emotional responses in different people, thus leading to distinct behaviours. Lindsay had found a Website about CBT and was now analyzing her own thoughts, emotions and behaviours.

The Website had many quizzes and much information on the scores. Also, one of the exercises involved thinking about a situation when one felt inadequate. Lindsay immediately thought about one particular interview during her job search. She went to many interviews that failed to lead to jobs, but that one interview specifically left her feeling like her whole job search was pointless. However, the Website she was now on, explained that people react differently precisely to these types of situations…

Lindsay's Red flower. Photo by Elena

For example, Lindsay completely blamed herself and felt like a failure. She then thought that things will always stay the same and that she lacked any opportunities to find another job. Notwithstanding, CBT teaches that reactions like hers may lead to negative mood and even depression in some cases. The Website even had an article about how depression may be linked to a pervasive pattern of self-blame, guilt and self-deprecation that has gone on for years.

Psychologists also have a theory about internal and external attributes. When something negative happens, such as failing an exam, a person may attribute the failure to internal (“I’m a bad student” “I’m stupid”) or external (“the test was really hard” “I was unprepared because I had a long shift at work”) circumstances. Thus, internal attributions often leave very little space for hope. And without hope comes despair and misery.

See also:

The worries. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay's exhibition. Photo by Elena

Lindsay Chapter X

Lindsay – Chapter X

Lindsay wanted to go back to school, but she had no idea what subject to take. She had graduated in Fine Arts, but that did not lead her to a job. Sometimes, it seemed to her that all employers wanted was references and experience. However, she had neither. She had had a couple of jobs, but quit all of them, so not only her resume was filled with gaps, she did not have good relationships with any of her former supervisors. A lawyer she knew from a job she held as a receptionist (which she was overqualified for) advised her to just put her educational achievements and say that she studied all this time, so that employers did not view her as a job-hopper.

She thought about studying finance because she felt that it could lead her to more lucrative and serious jobs. However, she was not sure she was up to the challenge. Finance required a great deal of calculations, and although she was good at mathematics, she did not believe in her ability to actually graduate with a Bachelor of Commerce with Finance as a major.

Lindsay's Pale Pink flowers. Photo by Elena

Besides, she knew two people who ended up with the same collector jobs who had very different backgrounds. One guy who had graduated with a Bachelor of Commerce with a Finance major, and one girl who was an illegal immigrant and did not even finish college. She failed to understand how that was possible.

Besides, she saw in that reasons to not go back to school. At this point, she just wanted to find a job, any job. But, even though she applied to every staffing agency she knew of and did independent searches by herself, all she could find were entry-level jobs in sales. She was comfortable with entry-level employment, but she didn’t want to work in outbound sales (telemarketing) and that seemed to be the only available jobs for her.

See also:

Soul of a child. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay's Elf

Lindsay - Chapter XI

Lindsay woke up at 7:30. She always woke up early, even on Sundays and falling back asleep seemed impossible. She considered that to be a positive thing, since that meant that waking up at 6:00 would be an easier transition if she finally found a job. She lived in a big city and traveling a long distance to work appeared to be a given. However, this Tuesday morning was different from the rest of the week, or even weeks and months before.

She woke up happy and hopeful. The main reason behind such a change in mood was that the day before she had applied to as many companies as she could. Because she had been largely unsuccessful in her job search she found a place providing employment services. The organization did not provide placement, but they helped in terms of resume writing, interview skills and by directing to job opportunities.

Lindsay's Fuсhsia flowers.

Thus, she had followed their advice and was confident that they could greatly help her in her job search efforts. She applied to most of the job advertisements they had sent her, and then went on to her independent job search. She applied to many banks and insurance companies, she noted that the application itself took quite a bit of time with all the lines to fill out and questions to answer. She had heard from a show she saw on TV that it was very difficult to get a job at a big company, at least in terms of time.

Indeed, big companies usually looked (and verified) at least two references; in addition, to performing a background check for criminal records and credit problems. Luckily, she had no criminal record, but her credit was far from perfect. Also, the only jobs she had had in the past were short-term contract ones, so she did not have any positive references per se.

See also:

Loneliness. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay's Plans. Illustration by Elena

Lindsay - Chapter XII

Lindsay – Chapter XII

Lindsay’s efforts were rewarded as she found a job. The job was far from what she hoped for since she wanted to be an executive assistant and instead found a job as a waitress. However, at least she found a job and could now begin to pay her bills on her own. The job was part-time, she only worked four days a week, from 11:30 in the morning to 7:30 at night. Somewhat odd hours, somewhat odd days, not the job she was hoping for given her psychology degree, but still a job – something to rely on.

One less thing to worry about. Now, she had another preoccupation – finding a different, less expensive apartment and organizing her move. As mentioned before she didn’t have a lot of things, but the furniture she needed disassembling and assembling and she also lacked boxes to pack her things. She knew that there were full service movers, but she still had not found them and that was making her nervous. She was mad at herself for throwing all her assembly instructions, why would she do that? Didn’t she know that she would only stay in that apartment temporarily? She should have known.

Lindsay's pine. Photo by Elena

She sat looking at the window and thought about worldly matters. How everything seemed so complicated to some people, yet so easy for others. She thought about her volunteering experience which gave her little more than some… well, experience. What’s more, she couldn’t even use that work as a reference since the place she volunteered at, given the conditions under which she worked did not allow for a professional evaluation. When she found that out she felt that she had wasted her time.

When she started volunteering at this place, she thought that it would help her CV and even get her a placement job, but neither happened. The problem with these organizations that advertise as helping people is that they rarely really live up to expectations, at least most of them since there are exceptions.

See also:

The real beauty. Photo by Elena

Lindsay's Light.

Elena's Art Work

Elena's (Megan Jorgensen) and Her Artwork

A few samples of Megan's artwork: